Into the Ronaldo-verse: sludge of content is eating up sport and the adults are to blame | Barney Ronay

Footballer has 664 million followers but his boring presence is a reminder of how reel-life destroys what it touches

Buy the backpack airlines hate. Fawn strangely at a child athlete. This TV presenter drank olive oil for a month and absolutely nothing happened. The streets (no actual streets involved) won’t forget (robots can’t forget) Paul Pogba (or equivalent coding).

Nineties dance hits. Ruben Amorim loyalists. Argue with fake fans over a fake photo of fake empty seats. Buy a backpack that hates you because you once thought about buying a backpack, and like a Hungarian grandmother it will never, ever forget and you will be punished.